Is it Christmas Yet?

As a military spouse, mommy, consultant, and worker bee, my priorities shift to accommodate the needs of my family.  My children are always my main focus because they are my source of inspiration and motivation.  There have been days I wish I could sleep in and not have to worry about going to work the next day.  But that is not our reality.  Reality is that the months will feel longer, the days seems it never ends, but life continues to go on.

This month alone I have taken on multiple projects at both jobs.  Everyone who knows me and my situation believes I am crazy while I simply acknowledge the insanity and make it work for us.  I live in two different time zones.  Wishing I could calm my mind and just fall asleep at night but it simply does not help.  I silently endure the pain and ache that I feel not having my love safely next to me.

Some people may not understand the way of life we currently live.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have to explain my actions to others.  It just simply annoys me that instead of people worrying about themselves and the work they should be doing, they want to worry about what I'm wearing or doing. Sometimes, I have Drake's "No New Friends" song blasting in my mind because the ignorance of others makes things difficult.

At a young age, I knew that there will be people in the world who are seasonal friends and those who will be lifelong companions who will always be there to support you and your family.  In this dog eat dog world that we live in, it just shows that you really don't need new people that pretend to want to be in your life because if they don't see your struggles, they don't need to be in your life.

With all that said, all we can look forward to is having my love safely back home with us for good.  It will be awhile but at least I know that this is our life. It is real. No one can take that away from us.

I Can't Help But Wait...

Waiting is such a tiring task.  Being an impatient person myself, it seems like a never-ending game I have been playing for the last ten years.  I know, I know.  This is the life I chose and have continued to work with.  But, even the strongest person weakens over time.  I have to wear a smile on my face everyday.  I have to hold back my tears when I see my babies crying because they miss their daddy.

My heart breaks every day that I hear my baby ask me when her daddy will be home again.  Even I don't know that answer.  All I can do is hug my children and try my best as a parent on double duty to provide them the best care possible.

I go into my bedroom and close the door so that I can sob away from my kids.  I don't cry every night like when he first left, but there are times when I'm around groups of soldiers and feel my heart break even more.

Just laying in bed with my babies by my side, my heart feels hollow.  Like I've lost my other half.  The days and nights that I don't hear from him, I feel that deeply buried fear and anxiety trying to bubble back up.  It's been seven years since the last trip and although I've been dealing with this one better, it's when I'm alone or trying to focus on my work I just simply can't.

I've found that the physical pains I experience, migraines and back pain, have become almost a constant now.  Either I wake up with one or the other.  Trying to focus on the future beyond school is my motivation while my children continue to be my strength and inspiration.

We continue to count down the days till he returns.. But, it's tough.  Even the food I cook and bake just doesn't taste the same anymore.  The love I pour into each dish I make is barely there now.  All I can do is wait and pray.  Sleep evades this mommy no matter how tired I feel.  No matter how awful I feel physically and or mentally, it simply won't leave.  My mind won't rest. All I can do is try to not worry and give it to God.

I pray for all that are away from their families.  I pray for their safety.  I pray for their well-being.  I pray for their families that have been left behind.  Most of all, I pray for my love to come back home safely and soon.

Back to Cooking & More

Store bought Kim Chee, homemade Jasmine Rice and broiled beef short ribs 

              Homemade Pork Hash 

One of my great joys in life is cooking. Although I don't cook as much as before,

I still love it. My son loves BBQ and I've been really homesick lately so this is what I picked out of my cookbooks. 

I bought the kimchee and marinade for the short ribs at the commissary. Visit your local Asian market to grab the ingredients. I also purchased the short ribs and ingredients for the pork hash at the commissary as well. 

Initially I've been craving dim sum (Chinese dumplings) and decided to go the lazy route and settled on doing the less time consuming pork hash instead. Of course, when I envision pork hash I remember the ones we would get at our favorite dim sum restaurant or even at 7-11. That was one of the best things living back in Hawaii and even in Japan as well.

Anyways, I took the short ribs and placed it in a ziplock freezer bag and poured the Korean BBQ marinade over it. I tried to push out as much air from the bag, sealed it, and let it sit in the fridge for about 2-3 hours. 

My kids and I met up with friends and spent our day at the splash park and we were excited to think about the ribs marinating at home. Once we got home, I took the ribs out and on a foil lined cookie sheet (I call it a flat pan, lol) I placed the ribs on it and set the oven to broil on the low setting. 

While the ribs were in the oven, I grabbed my ingredients for the pork hash out of my fridge which I shall post for you here: 

I have a Hawaii cookbook that has local recipes that I purchased in a local Walmart there. 

Anyways, I followed the recipe until right before it says flatten. I didn't flatten the mix. Instead I took wonton wrappers, made a circle with one hand so that I can drape the wrapper in that hand and mini scooped the mix onto the wrapper. Then I pinched the ends together to hold the mix in place. I also had a pot of boiling water and a steaming basket lined with wax paper (ran out of parchment paper and definitely did not want to use any cloth because the smell of your fabric softener will definitely ruin the food).

After placing and spacing out the pork hash, I steamed it for 45 minutes. Needless to say it was yummy. I only made a handful because I was tired from the earlier fun. I took the ribs out (I like mine slightly charred) and let it cool down on the pan. Served it as seen above.

When I have down days where I'm able to do more in my house, cooking is one of the only ways I can get whatever is on my mind out of my head. I'm also thinking of getting a punching bag to help destress as well.. But life always continues no matter the difficulties we each face. It's simply up to us in how we work with it. 

Just the Way You Are

I know I know. I love to choose song titles or famous blurbs as my blog titles but I can't help it. 

It is seriously dangerous for me to stop and think. Trying to cope with not only my feelings but watching my kids and mother-in-law deal with this is just crazy. 

Okay, enough self-tormenting. Last night we went to my son's spring concert. The winter concert seemed a whole lot better but this was really short. They did great and the sun was still out when we got back home :)

Trying to get out of my comfy bed with little feet all over the place shouldn't be too hard right? Lol.. I work again tonight.. Uggghh... 

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all mommies around the world! 

Today, The Lord blessed me with another day to enjoy this day with my children.  Although they drive me bananas all the time, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

They are absolutely amazing just like their  Daddy. It also reminds me of the only other Mother's Day I've spent without my husband. He was deployed then as well. It's our year of firsts. Our first year in NY. Our first deployment as a family. Our first year that Daddy will miss all of our birthdays. 

But, we continue to keep our faith in The Lord and pray for his safe return.

Feeling the Burn and More

So I have started to work out again. In early March, I restarted doing Insanity until I hurt my back. So I had to take a break and let my body heal itself. The combination of exercising and stress at that time for me was not good. 

Now that I know my back is okay and it does feel a lot better than before,

I have been going to the gym in my community to get my sexy back. 

I'm what my friends call skinny curvy. But I miss being toned and working out. When I was in the Army, I had to go into pt remedial because I couldn't finish the pt test due to illness. So those stupid two months, I busted my butt to get out of it and to gain my afternoons back.

My brothers in crime, would push me beyond my limits and made sure that I continued to work out. When I was pregnant with my son, all that stopped since I wasn't sure if I should continue pushing myself really hard exercising. I know now that I should've exercised that way I wouldn't have had such a rough pregnancy in regards to feeling morning sickness and so forth.

Anyways, I've been going to the gym to relieve stress. Right now, I'm a mommy on her own. I want to be able to chase my kids and show them that exercise is great for the mind and body. Today is the dreaded ab workout. It's the one area I used to be so proud of. Now it's the area that's a little squishy and comfy to my kiddos. Lol.. 

I had to change my workout schedules because I tend to workout right before I head to work or school. So I would be out of energy during my shifts. Now, I'm just going to workout at night that way I will be able to sleep throughout the night.

Only 200 Something More Days to Go....

I thought I had prepared myself for this. But as the days continue to feel longer, the stress of it all has begun to wear on me. Migraine after migraine it feels like when we were living apart before. Only that time I had our little boy with me.

I wish you were here to hold us and make us feel better. It just isn't the same without you. Seeing your handsome smiling face is what makes my day. I cry when no one is watching. I cry when I'm in the car alone. I cry in the darkness of the night. I hope and pray that you return home soon.

Another day..

On my day off, I'm still running around getting errands done. My daughter isn't feeling well today either. Thank God for my MIL. If she wasn't here to help me, I would have done a Britney Spears and shaved my hair off. It's been a stressful week but it is slowly getting better.

We will be celebrating my son's birthday on Sunday. It's the second birthday we will be celebrating without my husband. It's a reminder of what my family endures to support our troops.

I am grateful to simply be alive and able to watch my children grow each and every day. I know there are others out there that may be going thru the same thing or has lost someone. I can't imagine the pain for those who endure losing their loved one. I know for myself, I not only live thru the anxiety and pain of being away from my love but watching my kids endure this too has been so difficult. I just want to cry with them when they call out for their Daddy. I just want to stay home and squeeze them to make them feel better.

But this is our reality and it isn't a pleasant one. One day soon, we hope to never have to endure another deployment. But please pray for the safety of our troops and their return to their families as well.

The Life of an Army Wife

We have been together for ten years and married for nine this June. This man has been with me through thick and then, what seemed like hell and back, and happy and sad times.

No matter what, we have always stuck by each other.

The first deployment I was very pregnant and cried every night. I was in Lawton all by myself in a house. At that time, it would've been nice to have a dog to keep me company and protect me.. But I had the best neighbors to keep me company and at times call the police on gangster wannabes acting like fools I. Back of the property.

I had our firstborn, our precious Adam, without Daddy. He missed his born day by two weeks. In retrospect, it was harder to let him go back after he came home to visit.. From that day forward, I could have never imagined the road we took afterwards.

I was still very young in the mind and did act a bit more like a teenager at times. But I had to grow up quickly because I had my son relying on me. With God guiding me, I made it through that deployment.

Now with this last deployment, it just hurts. Like a old wound being ripped open. It's just something I can't really describe to others unless they themselves have experienced it as well. I cry when no one is looking or around to hear me sobbing. It may seem silly but I just can't help it.

I cry fearing the unknown. I cry because of the distance. I cry because my other half is not beside me. I can only try to keep a smile on my face. Most of the time, I try to keep my poker face on while I'm out in public.

Life must always go on. I've been trying to stay busy. And he has always supported everything I have done I regards to my career, my businesses, education, and more. It's so hard to let someone you love go to someplace where you just don't know the outcome. I try to keep my head up and stay positive but it's that stupid voice in the back of my head.. That whispers the fears I have.

So when that happens I continue to push forward and ignore the pain. Working constantly helps. I have two home businesses in which I am a distributor for an awesome brand. It has been an amazing experience and I hope to make it my full-time job.. But I do have many other aspirations in my life.

I am finally finishing my HIT degree. I also started working as a hospitality aide at the local skilled nursing facility. It is a great job but I know I need to move forward and utilize my degree and past working experience to move forward to where I would like to be. All this is in preparation for when we finally leave NY for our favorite state, Texas.

I can imagine all the family time and fun things we will do together next year. I fill my head with thoughts and make plans for the future. I know we can make it through anything and I am already house hunting. That's how I deal with deployment.

My kids on the other hand are a different story. They have both been a bit down because of all that has happened. But I try to spend as much time with them since its back to Mommy-In-One time. My son has been so stressed out, he's been having a stress rash. He is the exact replica of my husband. Just a lighter version. The kids are keeping me company in my bed so I wake up to their sweet sleeping faces every morning.

Next week, we will be celebrating our son's birthday. It will be the second birthday my husband won't be home for. It just plain sucks but there is nothing I can do about it. What I can do is celebrate an amazing day with my little family. Well, I need to get myself out of bed and cook something. I just don't know yet..

Till next time.. Happy readings!

Strength. Love. Army Life

It had been a little over a year since we left Hawaii for frosty northern NY. We have seen so much and are still adjusting to our surroundings. It finally stopped snowing and hoping it will warm up soon.

I've been holding it in for the last few months to not cry and to be strong. To be the mommy and daddy. I just want to be weak and cry like a little baby and scream for my love not to leave. But this is the path we chose as a family.

I feel my Bella side coming back out. My Edward is leaving not because he wants to but because he has to. Sometimes life sucks and takes our favorite stories a bit literal.

But I and so many others will pray and keep our troops in mind as they continue their support and efforts to protect our country. This never gets easier only harder each time.

Thank Goodness It's November

October was a mess of all sorts for me and my family. 

Medical issue after issue, children who have lost their minds thus causing me to lose mine as well, and to top it off my other half had to go away for training.  It hasn't even been a week, but I've essentially become Bella from New Moon.  You know the part right after Edward ditched her for her own safety? Yea, that's me alright.  I have my babies to snap me back to reality, but those moments always seem to creep back to me.

I know I know, I shouldn't complain.  He hasn't deployed yet and he is in a safe and secured area right now.  The last six years, we've been extremely lucky to have avoided this extra training and preparation for deployment.  Now that it's looming in front of us, I'm having trouble adjusting.  I'm HUMAN everyone.  I try to not feel the way I feel.  But, it's definitely hard. 

This is the first time that it wasn't just me and a baby.  It's me + two young children adjusting to this type of change.  So when the new year rolls around, this could get better or worse.  I hoping that it won't get worse. 

When I try to vent out loud, others think I'm not grateful.  They think I'm taking everything for granted.  Yes, I signed up for this when we got married and started a family together.  I knew what being a military spouse has to deal with.  But, everyone is different.  Everyone handles the SAME situations DIFFERENTLY. 

I try to be understanding and yes I know I'm a bit highstrung now but I'm working on it.  I'm trying to keep busy by cooking, doing homework, focusing on doing things to distract my children from feeling the same way I feel.  My rock, my Mr. Stability, isn't here to keep me level. 

I appreciate everything my husband has done for our family.  I also appreciate what he has to continue to do for our country and our family as well while in the miltiary.  I may joke a bit too much with him about our temporary long-distance romance but he knows this is how I'm trying to cope with it. 

Okay, so enough moping..

We've been up here for almost eight months now.  We've seen slight snow, lots of rain, lots of wind, dark clouds, and more bipolar weather.  It could be 40*F outside then an hour later it'll be 60*F??? Really??  But, again we are grateful that our weather hasn't been as bad as what Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy has done to the coastal East Coast.  I'm praying for my friends that live in the City and for everyone else that has been affected by this weather catastrophe. 

Although I know Sandy wouldn't directly come this far north, you never know what could happen.  Mother Nature has a sick way of making people face reality sometimes.  So, I went overboard and made sure that if Sandy did bring extra weather to NNY, that we would be prepared for anything. Everything that the CDC tells you to prepare for in case of a hurricane or a zombie apocalypse, that's what I did.  I was not taking any chances especially with my children. 

I also had to have a talk with my kids about what is going on, why did school get cut short that day or cancelled, and what we may have to do in case the storm gets really bad up here.  As the day went by, the winds picked up ALOT.. We also had rain off and on, but in the end it was only unsecured trash cans (including mine) that almost ran away from their homes.  I wasn't sure what to do with the trash bins, but the next time a storm comes, I am definitely putting them in my garage.. LOL.

Well after Sandy, I began to try to get back to the positive things and focus on my kids and school. We started going out and doing things that we normally wouldn't do.  We went to the Mall for Halloween.  We've also been hanging out with other friends so that we aren't stuck at home wondering what to do with ourselves that day. 

The one thing that I know is my main source of therapy, is cooking.  If you know me, I love to cook.  I shouldn't be so defensive about my cooking but, that's how I'm feeling right now.  Please know that cooking is my way of dealing with my own personal reality.  That sounds insane, but it's my way of coping.  I don't do well with long separations, you could ask my really good friends that had to deal with me when I was in Oklahoma.  But, once I am back in my groove I will be fine again.  I'm hoping that my other half will be back soon.  If not, that's okay.  That's how the military is. 
I don't want to ask anyone to try to understand how I feel or to try to put themselves in my shoes because it's just complicated.  I always remember that I am HUMAN and that it's okay to have feelings.  It's also a phase that I am slowly working with so that when the real time comes, at least I can look back to today and know that it's gonna be all right. 

A Renewed Sense... For Cooking

For the next three weeks, I will be a single mom again.  Here are the days of very long days and extremely short nights.  My husband has a new assignment in which I may only see him through my eyelashes and so forth.  Thus, I will be endeavoring once again to cook and bake as much as possible to relieve myself of the feelings I wish not to encounter.  I will also be hitting the gym today... Pray for me people because I will be one burnt cookie by the time I'm done.

I'm going to attempt to make ensaimadas today.  Usually, the only things that come out awesome when I am baking are cookies, cupcakes, cakes, meat and poultry.. Me and loaves of bread or other bread-like items usually haven't gone too well... Then again, baking bread is a dream and a challenging one at that.  Thus, my microwave is calling me at the moment.. For brunch, I'm making Okazuya-Style Corned Beef Hash Patties with my Peas N Carrots Fried Rice... Till tomorrow..

I'm Back.. Again.. Maybe

Moving to New York has been a welcoming challenge.  I'm still taking my online classes pursuing my Associate's and Bachelor's degrees in HIT/HIM.  We knew we were walking into something that we couldn't control.  His hours have been all sorts of wacky and my impatience has gone away.  Recruiting hours certainly has nothing on his current work schedule.  

I woke up really early today because I had thought he had already left for work.  He had kissed me goodbye and went downstairs to drive to work.  Yet, ten minutes later I hear a knock and a bag rustling  in my living room.  I must have my mother's ears because those sounds drove me to walk downstairs half-asleep to see if he was still here.  And he was.  

As I cuddled up to him with my head on his chest, I started to cry as I am now.  Telling him how much I miss him.  I would give up everything for this man because I know he has done the same for me. For US.  We sat holding each other waiting patiently as we talked about our future.  

I see how tired he is and I just wish I could go back to work again.  That way he can rest.  I know him and how much he internalizes everything. I may be a Type A personality but at least I get it out of my system.  Heck, he hasn't gone overseas for duty yet his work makes it seem like he's far away already.  

There are times that I wish I was back in Hawai'i.  With my family and friends around me and the kids. Where I can take a drive to my favorite sushi place or eat some dim sum in Downtown.  I would Skype with my brother and parents and wish I was still there with them.  Whenever he had to work late, I could always go to my parents house and hang out there with my kids till he came home.  That really helped with the loneliness.  But, it's different now.  Again.

You would figure that a woman like me would be used to her military man being gone due to work gets easier.  But, it doesn't.  It actually gets harder.  We have been together for almost a decade now.  I'm a lot more understanding now than I was when we were first married.  Through the years and training myself to be a semi-Stepford wife, I kept telling myself that I've been through one deployment. That I can get through this.  I know I can do this.  I just wish he was home with me.  

Home is where your heart is.  Like the many military wives out there, I just wish my heart was home with me.  Away from the early wake-up calls.  Away from the talks of traveling far and defending our rights from others.  Away from getting up extremely early to going to PT in the morning.  Away from the ridiculous work call hours.  

People ask me how do I deal with all of this.  I try to stay busy.  I have a schedule where I keep the kids busy so that I don't dwell on what could be and how I wish things were.  But, my reality is keeping my family healthy physically and emotionally.  That also means, that this mommy needs to suck it up.  To stop the crying and get some rest before her little ones are up and awake for the next 18 hours straight.  WITH NO NAP.  Because my kids don't believe in naps.  So back to sleepy land I go.  

IMY and ILY, XOXO

A Place to Call Home in Northern NY

We finally moved into our house about two weeks ago. We are so relieved that we are no longer transients and can enjoy our familiar comforts. I've began to cook again and my children are thriving in our new place. We've been fishing, cooking, working, trying to put everything away so that we can have more guests over. Not that having unpacked boxes of toys will stop me from having guests over. Hopefully in due time we can travel to Canada and other states before the new year approaches.

May is the Month of Hope

This month has brought so much joy into my life both in the past, present, and near future.  My handsome son was born in May.  We finally received the phone call for our house.  We will be moving into our house sometime next week.  It feels like after waiting for so long, everything is falling into place.  I am so thankful that the Lord has continued to bless us.  I know that although I feel like it is taking forever to get something, I still have to have a small bit of faith that everything will work out.

This is also my month of craziness.  I am taking more classes for school.  My short term goal for this year is to get my associate's in HIT and my long term for next year is getting my bachelor's in Technical Management in Health Information Management.  I am slowly coming to terms of letting go of my past dreams and moving forward with building on my new dream. 

Before, I had so much anxiety.  I had put on so much pressure on myself to succeed to get into the nursing programs that I lost myself in the process.  I forgot about how much I enjoyed working with patients.  All I could think about was the stress and anguish I felt when I worked in Hawaii.  Of course my experience in that one practice overshadowed the best time of my medical career at my first practice.  I needed to find a way to motivate myself.  To find something I am good at and that will continue to help my family in the future.  The more I continued to compare the old with the new, I saw that me becoming a nurse would help but then it would also be a curse.

How could I take care of my family if I'm not around yet I'm too busy helping other people?  My parents are getting older and having more health issues now.  In my culture, it is usually the eldest or the daughter of the family that is thrusted into taking care of their elders.  For me, I love taking care of my family.  It is my way of giving back to them.  My only way of repaying them for all the hard work they had to do in order to provide for me and my brother. 

As I continue on my journey to becoming a better daughter, mother, wife, student, and human being, I must always stay optimistic even though things may seem cloudy at the moment. 

Stubborn Folks

I have awesome parents.  Although they may not agree with everything I have done in my life, they still supported me no matter what. It took me many years to realize that they do in fact love me and that the way they show their love is just different from the way I wanted them to.  American television gives us a sense of false reality.  Where you think this is how my parents should be but in fact they are truly opposite.  My parents moved from the Philippines to Hawaii many years ago.  They both worked hard to bring both sides of our family to the states so that they would be able to see and enjoy the new world as well.

During childhood, I rarely got to see my parents because of the jobs they worked at.  My maternal grandmother was the one who was with me and my brother for the majority of our childhood.  She too worked but later on quit to help out with raising us.  I have many cousins and being the oldest, I too got to enjoy the perks of baby-sitting.

As my teenage years passed by slowly and painfully, so began the times of fighting and arguing.  They weren't around to ask me what was really wrong or how my day was. It was always about getting decent grades, staying out of trouble, and following their rules.  If you know me, I tend to walk on the dark side quite often.

I did things to get their attention without me realizing what I was doing.  As I continue to look back on what I've done, I can't take them back .  I can only try to make things right and to keep moving forward.  It has been a roller coaster of a ride when it came to my mom.  I have always been a daddy's girl and we never fought.  Although I would push his buttons and he is the kind of guy you do not want to see mad.

I was depressed because of things that happened to me that I couldn't discuss with them.  I wanted to run far away so that there wouldn't be anymore fighting.  I wanted to see the world through my own eyes not how my parents envisioned for me.  When I joined the Army, it was the best thing I ever did for myself.
Not to mention I met my best friend and partner for life then too.

Life was falling into the place.  I became a mom a couple years after joining the military.  I got out to enjoy my son and to enjoy the married life as well.  I learned to be truly independent since my hubby was deployed.  I wasn't really talking to my parents then because at the time my mom was upset that I was pregnant at 19.  Unlike the idiots on MTV, I was already married and had a job when we found out I was pregnant with Adam.

I continued to pursue my education while raising my son on my own for pretty much the first year of his life.  All this was occurring and yet no one came to visit us.  The only family I did have was my neighbors next door and my in-laws that came to check on me once a month.  After we found out we were pregnant with Mikayla, I had hoped my parents would come to visit us that time around.  But, I guess going to Vegas was more important.  It sucked but I understood that they had different priorities than I did.

We worked hard to fix the relationships and it is now to the point where I feel I am the therapist and nurse of the family. My maternal and paternal sides of my family has numerous health issues that I must stay vigilant about constantly.  Adult-onset diabetes and high blood pressure are issues I know I can prevent as long as I maintain a balanced diet and stay in shape as well.

BUT, the one thing I have to say about my parents is that they both very stubborn.  While my mom pretty much almost tears her arm off because she was cleaning, my dad is trying to make me bonkers by not taking his blood pressure medication.  I wish at times that we did not move away so that I could be in Hawaii to take care of my ailing family but at the same time... They need to take care of themselves too.

I think this is one of the sub-conscious reasons I am not willing to pursue my nursing career yet.  I'm already trying to do so much but I do need time for myself and my own family as well.  The duty to take care of others is so strong in me but at the same time, I tend to lose myself and quickly burn out when doing so.  They want me to become a nurse to make lots of money and to help care for them when they are older.  As the oldest and the daughter, I would always have a place for my parents to come and stay with me when that time comes.  But, if I became a nurse, I wouldn't be able to have time to care for them while having a crazy hectic schedule.  I would probably want to work in the ER department in a hospital or something like that.  Only because crazy people like being around people just like them.

I just want everyone in my family to be okay health-wise.  I want them to be around to enjoy birthdays and other milestones in my children's lives.  Only then would I be able to say to myself, it is going to be alright.  That I can pursue my dream and not have to stop because of family issues.  I guess I know where my stubborn genes come from.

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Why is it that parents are so hard to talk to sometimes?  They agree with what you are telling them, but yet you all know they are not going to listen to you.  As I said earlier, my parents like to ignore the medical advice given to them and just do whatever is okay with them at the moment.  I would like to tear my hair out each time they tell me something that is going wrong.  However, I am unable to do so because I do not like inflicting such pain on myself.  Also because I have very thin hair which would literally make me bald if I ever attempted to do so.  I hope that my parents will quit being hard-headed and take their health seriously.  Sometimes, I think I'm their parent.  Jeez louise.. I just hope my kids don't kill me slowly like how their grandparents are to me right now.

Fears of Pursuing My Dream

I first began working with patients right out of high school.  I worked for an ophthalmologist but I wasn't properly trained to do any of the work.  After that horrid experience, I stayed away from the medical field for a very long time.  It was during my first pregnancy that I decided to suck it up and become a medical assistant to help pay bills.  This second exposure to patients was amazing.  I met a lifetime friend, Kat, and worked almost non-stop because I loved my job at the clinic.  After my second pregnancy, I took time off to raise my baby and go back to school to finish my AA in Liberal Arts.  It was my intention to get my pre-requisites for the nursing program out of the way so that I will be able to focus on the nursing courses I need to complete the bachelor's program at a school nearby.

It is so difficult to become a nurse especially when you are married to a soldier.  The military is so unpredictable that I have become so resistant to completing this dream that I have.  Thus, I had decided to change my major to health information technology and management because I can complete my Bachelor's degree online.  But, as I try to walk away from nursing, my heart wishes that I kept my focus on my dream.  It's so difficult to prevent internal torment.

I have spent the last six years of my life in climbing the nursing ladder yet knowing how much my kids need me during this crazy transition is more important.  I made a promise to my children that I will always be there for their extracurricular activities and that I will never be too busy to spend time with them. During my last year of medical assisting in Hawaii, I felt so burnt out.  I felt that I was doing a job that I just had no passion for because of the work environment.

I have a fear that if I became a nurse, what if I blank out when I really need to be an asset to the medical team?  What if I can't remember this or that?  I can't bear to think that I am letting others down that need help the most.  I guess all I needed to do was vent out how I felt about this entire situation.

With that said, I'm looking forward to my next set of HIM classes in two weeks.

We Have A Winner!

Monday was our last chance at having a house on post.  For me, I have the worst luck when I call the housing office.  But, when my husband calls five hours later, we are assigned a house!! Finally!! It is completely ridiculous how long people who come to Fort Drum have to wait for housing.  Now, we have to wait till early May to move in.  As long as we have a house to look forward to living in soon, I feel less stressed out.

Today, I finally have my son enrolled in school.  He starts tomorrow at a local public school.  We took a tour and he is so excited to go back to school as well.  He also gets to take a school picture tomorrow as well.  But, this mama has to drive almost half an hour tomorrow morning and afternoon for the rest of the week.  I am a bit reluctant to allow him to ride the school bus only because of the bullying situations that I've heard and seen on television.

In Hawaii, we don't ride the school buses to school.  You either take the city bus, catch a ride with friends or family, or you walk to school.  School buses in Hawaii is for field trips.  But, I'm hoping that he makes a lot of friends that way he has a great support system at school so that I myself will feel a bit more comfortable with letting him ride the school bus in the future.

Then, that leaves me with Mikayla all day long.  In September, I will be alone at home with homework.  Both my babies will be in school and hopefully I'll almost be done with the HIT program.  I'm hoping to finish my Bachelor's degree while we are still up here.  So, I guess we will see.  I'm a bit more excited for us to be moving into a house soon.  That way we can enjoy living up here.  Pray that we get to move in a lot sooner than later.  Till then!!

Homework on Easter

Today, we celebrate the day the Lord Jesus Christ rose from the dead to join Our Father in Heaven.  I'm grateful to have my faith in Jesus because I know He has always been here and there for my family no matter what.  We have just returned from eating dinner at a restaurant called Kingstar.  It is a Chinese & Korean restaurant.  The food reminded us of Hawaii although it didn't taste exactly like it.  The woman was very nice and I have a feeling we will be going there more often.

Other than dinner, we haven't done much today due to our transient status.  Usually, I would have games and egg decorating for my family to do.  I told my children that we will have to celebrate Easter later on when we do have a house.  I'm not normal thus I like to do things a bit backwards from time to time.

I should be doing my ten to fifteen page APA formatted paper for my final project for my ethics class but I'm having obvious trouble concentrating.  I figured let me write a quick journal entry here and maybe I won't be so mentally antsy.  Well wish me luck.  Happy Easter to all and hope you all had a great day.

Womanly Troubles

I believe the title says it all.  Although I am at the ripe age of twenty-six going onto twenty-seven this winter, I have medical issues for the last ten to fifteen years.  I think they seem to have increased after high school and on.  Migraines that makes me cry and hide in the dark like a vampire.  I don't even want to dwell onto what happens when THAT time of the month comes around.  After having two kids, my body has been fighting me.

I try to exercise when I can when I'm not running around after my babies.  I have to stick to a bland diet.  A few years ago for my birthday, I wanted to eat pho (Vietnamese noodle soup with meatballs, thinly sliced beef, and very good broth) and spring rolls.  Unfortunately for me, I took a few bites of my food and was doubled over in pain.  Burning, stabbing, swelling pain.  My stomach had felt like an atomic bomb had gone off and that the awesome broth I love so much was burning the lining of my stomach away.  I wanted to die.  My husband thought I was crazy.  After that, I was prescribed medicine by my doctor to keep the gastrointestinal pain away.

Since then, I have tried to stay away from foods that I know will trigger a reflux attack.  But, having travelled for months and of course enjoying great not-good-for-me foods, it finally came to rear its ugly head last night.  It was rib night at the local pub.  I was really excited because just the sound of eating half a rack of ribs made me even more excited for dinner.

First mistake: eating salad.  Any type of salad has always been the number one source of reflux for me.  I don't know why but it just has been like that since my first child.  The second mistake was putting a little pepper onto the salad and eating the onions in the salad too.  The onions have natural acid and since I did not take any medicine to protect my tummy, I was soon punished when my plate of dry rubbed ribs came out.  The rub was awesome on the ribs along with the peppered mushroom gravy on my mashed potatoes.  But, all it took was a few bites from the ribs and I was immediately in pain.

I felt my stomach had expanded so much that I could feel the bottom of my stomach protruding from beneath my sternum.  Then, the atomic bomb went off in my belly.  I couldn't finish my dinner.  So now as I write to you all today, I finally gave in and took my medicine at least half an hour before getting my breakfast today.  I hate taking medicine but it's something I have to get used to to be healthy and strong for my family.

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I don't know why but today I feel so out of energy.  My legs feel like I've been doing the running man, basketball jump drills, and everything else I do in an Insanity workout.  It feels like one of those days where you just don't want to get out of bed.  I've literally been in bed since breakfast.  I feel like I need to get Vitamin B, D, C, and Iron.  I take multivitamins with extra vitamin C everyday and it still doesn't feel  like its enough.  I can't even exercise because the migraine that has been squeezing my brain has been around for the last two days.  I just need to suck it up and drive on... after I rest.

These next week will be crazy for me and my family.  We will be finding out if we will be living on post or off post.  My son finally gets to resume school next week.  I just want to cry and scream like a big baby right now.. Trying not to lose my mind while everything is going at a turtle pace is really taxing. But we shall see. Till next time.