Only 200 Something More Days to Go....

I thought I had prepared myself for this. But as the days continue to feel longer, the stress of it all has begun to wear on me. Migraine after migraine it feels like when we were living apart before. Only that time I had our little boy with me.

I wish you were here to hold us and make us feel better. It just isn't the same without you. Seeing your handsome smiling face is what makes my day. I cry when no one is watching. I cry when I'm in the car alone. I cry in the darkness of the night. I hope and pray that you return home soon.

Another day..

On my day off, I'm still running around getting errands done. My daughter isn't feeling well today either. Thank God for my MIL. If she wasn't here to help me, I would have done a Britney Spears and shaved my hair off. It's been a stressful week but it is slowly getting better.

We will be celebrating my son's birthday on Sunday. It's the second birthday we will be celebrating without my husband. It's a reminder of what my family endures to support our troops.

I am grateful to simply be alive and able to watch my children grow each and every day. I know there are others out there that may be going thru the same thing or has lost someone. I can't imagine the pain for those who endure losing their loved one. I know for myself, I not only live thru the anxiety and pain of being away from my love but watching my kids endure this too has been so difficult. I just want to cry with them when they call out for their Daddy. I just want to stay home and squeeze them to make them feel better.

But this is our reality and it isn't a pleasant one. One day soon, we hope to never have to endure another deployment. But please pray for the safety of our troops and their return to their families as well.

The Life of an Army Wife

We have been together for ten years and married for nine this June. This man has been with me through thick and then, what seemed like hell and back, and happy and sad times.

No matter what, we have always stuck by each other.

The first deployment I was very pregnant and cried every night. I was in Lawton all by myself in a house. At that time, it would've been nice to have a dog to keep me company and protect me.. But I had the best neighbors to keep me company and at times call the police on gangster wannabes acting like fools I. Back of the property.

I had our firstborn, our precious Adam, without Daddy. He missed his born day by two weeks. In retrospect, it was harder to let him go back after he came home to visit.. From that day forward, I could have never imagined the road we took afterwards.

I was still very young in the mind and did act a bit more like a teenager at times. But I had to grow up quickly because I had my son relying on me. With God guiding me, I made it through that deployment.

Now with this last deployment, it just hurts. Like a old wound being ripped open. It's just something I can't really describe to others unless they themselves have experienced it as well. I cry when no one is looking or around to hear me sobbing. It may seem silly but I just can't help it.

I cry fearing the unknown. I cry because of the distance. I cry because my other half is not beside me. I can only try to keep a smile on my face. Most of the time, I try to keep my poker face on while I'm out in public.

Life must always go on. I've been trying to stay busy. And he has always supported everything I have done I regards to my career, my businesses, education, and more. It's so hard to let someone you love go to someplace where you just don't know the outcome. I try to keep my head up and stay positive but it's that stupid voice in the back of my head.. That whispers the fears I have.

So when that happens I continue to push forward and ignore the pain. Working constantly helps. I have two home businesses in which I am a distributor for an awesome brand. It has been an amazing experience and I hope to make it my full-time job.. But I do have many other aspirations in my life.

I am finally finishing my HIT degree. I also started working as a hospitality aide at the local skilled nursing facility. It is a great job but I know I need to move forward and utilize my degree and past working experience to move forward to where I would like to be. All this is in preparation for when we finally leave NY for our favorite state, Texas.

I can imagine all the family time and fun things we will do together next year. I fill my head with thoughts and make plans for the future. I know we can make it through anything and I am already house hunting. That's how I deal with deployment.

My kids on the other hand are a different story. They have both been a bit down because of all that has happened. But I try to spend as much time with them since its back to Mommy-In-One time. My son has been so stressed out, he's been having a stress rash. He is the exact replica of my husband. Just a lighter version. The kids are keeping me company in my bed so I wake up to their sweet sleeping faces every morning.

Next week, we will be celebrating our son's birthday. It will be the second birthday my husband won't be home for. It just plain sucks but there is nothing I can do about it. What I can do is celebrate an amazing day with my little family. Well, I need to get myself out of bed and cook something. I just don't know yet..

Till next time.. Happy readings!

Strength. Love. Army Life

It had been a little over a year since we left Hawaii for frosty northern NY. We have seen so much and are still adjusting to our surroundings. It finally stopped snowing and hoping it will warm up soon.

I've been holding it in for the last few months to not cry and to be strong. To be the mommy and daddy. I just want to be weak and cry like a little baby and scream for my love not to leave. But this is the path we chose as a family.

I feel my Bella side coming back out. My Edward is leaving not because he wants to but because he has to. Sometimes life sucks and takes our favorite stories a bit literal.

But I and so many others will pray and keep our troops in mind as they continue their support and efforts to protect our country. This never gets easier only harder each time.

Thank Goodness It's November

October was a mess of all sorts for me and my family. 

Medical issue after issue, children who have lost their minds thus causing me to lose mine as well, and to top it off my other half had to go away for training.  It hasn't even been a week, but I've essentially become Bella from New Moon.  You know the part right after Edward ditched her for her own safety? Yea, that's me alright.  I have my babies to snap me back to reality, but those moments always seem to creep back to me.

I know I know, I shouldn't complain.  He hasn't deployed yet and he is in a safe and secured area right now.  The last six years, we've been extremely lucky to have avoided this extra training and preparation for deployment.  Now that it's looming in front of us, I'm having trouble adjusting.  I'm HUMAN everyone.  I try to not feel the way I feel.  But, it's definitely hard. 

This is the first time that it wasn't just me and a baby.  It's me + two young children adjusting to this type of change.  So when the new year rolls around, this could get better or worse.  I hoping that it won't get worse. 

When I try to vent out loud, others think I'm not grateful.  They think I'm taking everything for granted.  Yes, I signed up for this when we got married and started a family together.  I knew what being a military spouse has to deal with.  But, everyone is different.  Everyone handles the SAME situations DIFFERENTLY. 

I try to be understanding and yes I know I'm a bit highstrung now but I'm working on it.  I'm trying to keep busy by cooking, doing homework, focusing on doing things to distract my children from feeling the same way I feel.  My rock, my Mr. Stability, isn't here to keep me level. 

I appreciate everything my husband has done for our family.  I also appreciate what he has to continue to do for our country and our family as well while in the miltiary.  I may joke a bit too much with him about our temporary long-distance romance but he knows this is how I'm trying to cope with it. 

Okay, so enough moping..

We've been up here for almost eight months now.  We've seen slight snow, lots of rain, lots of wind, dark clouds, and more bipolar weather.  It could be 40*F outside then an hour later it'll be 60*F??? Really??  But, again we are grateful that our weather hasn't been as bad as what Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy has done to the coastal East Coast.  I'm praying for my friends that live in the City and for everyone else that has been affected by this weather catastrophe. 

Although I know Sandy wouldn't directly come this far north, you never know what could happen.  Mother Nature has a sick way of making people face reality sometimes.  So, I went overboard and made sure that if Sandy did bring extra weather to NNY, that we would be prepared for anything. Everything that the CDC tells you to prepare for in case of a hurricane or a zombie apocalypse, that's what I did.  I was not taking any chances especially with my children. 

I also had to have a talk with my kids about what is going on, why did school get cut short that day or cancelled, and what we may have to do in case the storm gets really bad up here.  As the day went by, the winds picked up ALOT.. We also had rain off and on, but in the end it was only unsecured trash cans (including mine) that almost ran away from their homes.  I wasn't sure what to do with the trash bins, but the next time a storm comes, I am definitely putting them in my garage.. LOL.

Well after Sandy, I began to try to get back to the positive things and focus on my kids and school. We started going out and doing things that we normally wouldn't do.  We went to the Mall for Halloween.  We've also been hanging out with other friends so that we aren't stuck at home wondering what to do with ourselves that day. 

The one thing that I know is my main source of therapy, is cooking.  If you know me, I love to cook.  I shouldn't be so defensive about my cooking but, that's how I'm feeling right now.  Please know that cooking is my way of dealing with my own personal reality.  That sounds insane, but it's my way of coping.  I don't do well with long separations, you could ask my really good friends that had to deal with me when I was in Oklahoma.  But, once I am back in my groove I will be fine again.  I'm hoping that my other half will be back soon.  If not, that's okay.  That's how the military is. 
I don't want to ask anyone to try to understand how I feel or to try to put themselves in my shoes because it's just complicated.  I always remember that I am HUMAN and that it's okay to have feelings.  It's also a phase that I am slowly working with so that when the real time comes, at least I can look back to today and know that it's gonna be all right. 

A Renewed Sense... For Cooking

For the next three weeks, I will be a single mom again.  Here are the days of very long days and extremely short nights.  My husband has a new assignment in which I may only see him through my eyelashes and so forth.  Thus, I will be endeavoring once again to cook and bake as much as possible to relieve myself of the feelings I wish not to encounter.  I will also be hitting the gym today... Pray for me people because I will be one burnt cookie by the time I'm done.

I'm going to attempt to make ensaimadas today.  Usually, the only things that come out awesome when I am baking are cookies, cupcakes, cakes, meat and poultry.. Me and loaves of bread or other bread-like items usually haven't gone too well... Then again, baking bread is a dream and a challenging one at that.  Thus, my microwave is calling me at the moment.. For brunch, I'm making Okazuya-Style Corned Beef Hash Patties with my Peas N Carrots Fried Rice... Till tomorrow..

I'm Back.. Again.. Maybe

Moving to New York has been a welcoming challenge.  I'm still taking my online classes pursuing my Associate's and Bachelor's degrees in HIT/HIM.  We knew we were walking into something that we couldn't control.  His hours have been all sorts of wacky and my impatience has gone away.  Recruiting hours certainly has nothing on his current work schedule.  

I woke up really early today because I had thought he had already left for work.  He had kissed me goodbye and went downstairs to drive to work.  Yet, ten minutes later I hear a knock and a bag rustling  in my living room.  I must have my mother's ears because those sounds drove me to walk downstairs half-asleep to see if he was still here.  And he was.  

As I cuddled up to him with my head on his chest, I started to cry as I am now.  Telling him how much I miss him.  I would give up everything for this man because I know he has done the same for me. For US.  We sat holding each other waiting patiently as we talked about our future.  

I see how tired he is and I just wish I could go back to work again.  That way he can rest.  I know him and how much he internalizes everything. I may be a Type A personality but at least I get it out of my system.  Heck, he hasn't gone overseas for duty yet his work makes it seem like he's far away already.  

There are times that I wish I was back in Hawai'i.  With my family and friends around me and the kids. Where I can take a drive to my favorite sushi place or eat some dim sum in Downtown.  I would Skype with my brother and parents and wish I was still there with them.  Whenever he had to work late, I could always go to my parents house and hang out there with my kids till he came home.  That really helped with the loneliness.  But, it's different now.  Again.

You would figure that a woman like me would be used to her military man being gone due to work gets easier.  But, it doesn't.  It actually gets harder.  We have been together for almost a decade now.  I'm a lot more understanding now than I was when we were first married.  Through the years and training myself to be a semi-Stepford wife, I kept telling myself that I've been through one deployment. That I can get through this.  I know I can do this.  I just wish he was home with me.  

Home is where your heart is.  Like the many military wives out there, I just wish my heart was home with me.  Away from the early wake-up calls.  Away from the talks of traveling far and defending our rights from others.  Away from getting up extremely early to going to PT in the morning.  Away from the ridiculous work call hours.  

People ask me how do I deal with all of this.  I try to stay busy.  I have a schedule where I keep the kids busy so that I don't dwell on what could be and how I wish things were.  But, my reality is keeping my family healthy physically and emotionally.  That also means, that this mommy needs to suck it up.  To stop the crying and get some rest before her little ones are up and awake for the next 18 hours straight.  WITH NO NAP.  Because my kids don't believe in naps.  So back to sleepy land I go.  

IMY and ILY, XOXO