Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all mommies around the world! 

Today, The Lord blessed me with another day to enjoy this day with my children.  Although they drive me bananas all the time, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

They are absolutely amazing just like their  Daddy. It also reminds me of the only other Mother's Day I've spent without my husband. He was deployed then as well. It's our year of firsts. Our first year in NY. Our first deployment as a family. Our first year that Daddy will miss all of our birthdays. 

But, we continue to keep our faith in The Lord and pray for his safe return.

Feeling the Burn and More

So I have started to work out again. In early March, I restarted doing Insanity until I hurt my back. So I had to take a break and let my body heal itself. The combination of exercising and stress at that time for me was not good. 

Now that I know my back is okay and it does feel a lot better than before,

I have been going to the gym in my community to get my sexy back. 

I'm what my friends call skinny curvy. But I miss being toned and working out. When I was in the Army, I had to go into pt remedial because I couldn't finish the pt test due to illness. So those stupid two months, I busted my butt to get out of it and to gain my afternoons back.

My brothers in crime, would push me beyond my limits and made sure that I continued to work out. When I was pregnant with my son, all that stopped since I wasn't sure if I should continue pushing myself really hard exercising. I know now that I should've exercised that way I wouldn't have had such a rough pregnancy in regards to feeling morning sickness and so forth.

Anyways, I've been going to the gym to relieve stress. Right now, I'm a mommy on her own. I want to be able to chase my kids and show them that exercise is great for the mind and body. Today is the dreaded ab workout. It's the one area I used to be so proud of. Now it's the area that's a little squishy and comfy to my kiddos. Lol.. 

I had to change my workout schedules because I tend to workout right before I head to work or school. So I would be out of energy during my shifts. Now, I'm just going to workout at night that way I will be able to sleep throughout the night.

Only 200 Something More Days to Go....

I thought I had prepared myself for this. But as the days continue to feel longer, the stress of it all has begun to wear on me. Migraine after migraine it feels like when we were living apart before. Only that time I had our little boy with me.

I wish you were here to hold us and make us feel better. It just isn't the same without you. Seeing your handsome smiling face is what makes my day. I cry when no one is watching. I cry when I'm in the car alone. I cry in the darkness of the night. I hope and pray that you return home soon.

Another day..

On my day off, I'm still running around getting errands done. My daughter isn't feeling well today either. Thank God for my MIL. If she wasn't here to help me, I would have done a Britney Spears and shaved my hair off. It's been a stressful week but it is slowly getting better.

We will be celebrating my son's birthday on Sunday. It's the second birthday we will be celebrating without my husband. It's a reminder of what my family endures to support our troops.

I am grateful to simply be alive and able to watch my children grow each and every day. I know there are others out there that may be going thru the same thing or has lost someone. I can't imagine the pain for those who endure losing their loved one. I know for myself, I not only live thru the anxiety and pain of being away from my love but watching my kids endure this too has been so difficult. I just want to cry with them when they call out for their Daddy. I just want to stay home and squeeze them to make them feel better.

But this is our reality and it isn't a pleasant one. One day soon, we hope to never have to endure another deployment. But please pray for the safety of our troops and their return to their families as well.

The Life of an Army Wife

We have been together for ten years and married for nine this June. This man has been with me through thick and then, what seemed like hell and back, and happy and sad times.

No matter what, we have always stuck by each other.

The first deployment I was very pregnant and cried every night. I was in Lawton all by myself in a house. At that time, it would've been nice to have a dog to keep me company and protect me.. But I had the best neighbors to keep me company and at times call the police on gangster wannabes acting like fools I. Back of the property.

I had our firstborn, our precious Adam, without Daddy. He missed his born day by two weeks. In retrospect, it was harder to let him go back after he came home to visit.. From that day forward, I could have never imagined the road we took afterwards.

I was still very young in the mind and did act a bit more like a teenager at times. But I had to grow up quickly because I had my son relying on me. With God guiding me, I made it through that deployment.

Now with this last deployment, it just hurts. Like a old wound being ripped open. It's just something I can't really describe to others unless they themselves have experienced it as well. I cry when no one is looking or around to hear me sobbing. It may seem silly but I just can't help it.

I cry fearing the unknown. I cry because of the distance. I cry because my other half is not beside me. I can only try to keep a smile on my face. Most of the time, I try to keep my poker face on while I'm out in public.

Life must always go on. I've been trying to stay busy. And he has always supported everything I have done I regards to my career, my businesses, education, and more. It's so hard to let someone you love go to someplace where you just don't know the outcome. I try to keep my head up and stay positive but it's that stupid voice in the back of my head.. That whispers the fears I have.

So when that happens I continue to push forward and ignore the pain. Working constantly helps. I have two home businesses in which I am a distributor for an awesome brand. It has been an amazing experience and I hope to make it my full-time job.. But I do have many other aspirations in my life.

I am finally finishing my HIT degree. I also started working as a hospitality aide at the local skilled nursing facility. It is a great job but I know I need to move forward and utilize my degree and past working experience to move forward to where I would like to be. All this is in preparation for when we finally leave NY for our favorite state, Texas.

I can imagine all the family time and fun things we will do together next year. I fill my head with thoughts and make plans for the future. I know we can make it through anything and I am already house hunting. That's how I deal with deployment.

My kids on the other hand are a different story. They have both been a bit down because of all that has happened. But I try to spend as much time with them since its back to Mommy-In-One time. My son has been so stressed out, he's been having a stress rash. He is the exact replica of my husband. Just a lighter version. The kids are keeping me company in my bed so I wake up to their sweet sleeping faces every morning.

Next week, we will be celebrating our son's birthday. It will be the second birthday my husband won't be home for. It just plain sucks but there is nothing I can do about it. What I can do is celebrate an amazing day with my little family. Well, I need to get myself out of bed and cook something. I just don't know yet..

Till next time.. Happy readings!

Strength. Love. Army Life

It had been a little over a year since we left Hawaii for frosty northern NY. We have seen so much and are still adjusting to our surroundings. It finally stopped snowing and hoping it will warm up soon.

I've been holding it in for the last few months to not cry and to be strong. To be the mommy and daddy. I just want to be weak and cry like a little baby and scream for my love not to leave. But this is the path we chose as a family.

I feel my Bella side coming back out. My Edward is leaving not because he wants to but because he has to. Sometimes life sucks and takes our favorite stories a bit literal.

But I and so many others will pray and keep our troops in mind as they continue their support and efforts to protect our country. This never gets easier only harder each time.

Thank Goodness It's November

October was a mess of all sorts for me and my family. 

Medical issue after issue, children who have lost their minds thus causing me to lose mine as well, and to top it off my other half had to go away for training.  It hasn't even been a week, but I've essentially become Bella from New Moon.  You know the part right after Edward ditched her for her own safety? Yea, that's me alright.  I have my babies to snap me back to reality, but those moments always seem to creep back to me.

I know I know, I shouldn't complain.  He hasn't deployed yet and he is in a safe and secured area right now.  The last six years, we've been extremely lucky to have avoided this extra training and preparation for deployment.  Now that it's looming in front of us, I'm having trouble adjusting.  I'm HUMAN everyone.  I try to not feel the way I feel.  But, it's definitely hard. 

This is the first time that it wasn't just me and a baby.  It's me + two young children adjusting to this type of change.  So when the new year rolls around, this could get better or worse.  I hoping that it won't get worse. 

When I try to vent out loud, others think I'm not grateful.  They think I'm taking everything for granted.  Yes, I signed up for this when we got married and started a family together.  I knew what being a military spouse has to deal with.  But, everyone is different.  Everyone handles the SAME situations DIFFERENTLY. 

I try to be understanding and yes I know I'm a bit highstrung now but I'm working on it.  I'm trying to keep busy by cooking, doing homework, focusing on doing things to distract my children from feeling the same way I feel.  My rock, my Mr. Stability, isn't here to keep me level. 

I appreciate everything my husband has done for our family.  I also appreciate what he has to continue to do for our country and our family as well while in the miltiary.  I may joke a bit too much with him about our temporary long-distance romance but he knows this is how I'm trying to cope with it. 

Okay, so enough moping..

We've been up here for almost eight months now.  We've seen slight snow, lots of rain, lots of wind, dark clouds, and more bipolar weather.  It could be 40*F outside then an hour later it'll be 60*F??? Really??  But, again we are grateful that our weather hasn't been as bad as what Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy has done to the coastal East Coast.  I'm praying for my friends that live in the City and for everyone else that has been affected by this weather catastrophe. 

Although I know Sandy wouldn't directly come this far north, you never know what could happen.  Mother Nature has a sick way of making people face reality sometimes.  So, I went overboard and made sure that if Sandy did bring extra weather to NNY, that we would be prepared for anything. Everything that the CDC tells you to prepare for in case of a hurricane or a zombie apocalypse, that's what I did.  I was not taking any chances especially with my children. 

I also had to have a talk with my kids about what is going on, why did school get cut short that day or cancelled, and what we may have to do in case the storm gets really bad up here.  As the day went by, the winds picked up ALOT.. We also had rain off and on, but in the end it was only unsecured trash cans (including mine) that almost ran away from their homes.  I wasn't sure what to do with the trash bins, but the next time a storm comes, I am definitely putting them in my garage.. LOL.

Well after Sandy, I began to try to get back to the positive things and focus on my kids and school. We started going out and doing things that we normally wouldn't do.  We went to the Mall for Halloween.  We've also been hanging out with other friends so that we aren't stuck at home wondering what to do with ourselves that day. 

The one thing that I know is my main source of therapy, is cooking.  If you know me, I love to cook.  I shouldn't be so defensive about my cooking but, that's how I'm feeling right now.  Please know that cooking is my way of dealing with my own personal reality.  That sounds insane, but it's my way of coping.  I don't do well with long separations, you could ask my really good friends that had to deal with me when I was in Oklahoma.  But, once I am back in my groove I will be fine again.  I'm hoping that my other half will be back soon.  If not, that's okay.  That's how the military is. 
I don't want to ask anyone to try to understand how I feel or to try to put themselves in my shoes because it's just complicated.  I always remember that I am HUMAN and that it's okay to have feelings.  It's also a phase that I am slowly working with so that when the real time comes, at least I can look back to today and know that it's gonna be all right.