02.10.12 - I'm Leaving

My final day home.  Sitting in my comfortable bed on the eleventh floor of my hotel room, I continue to go through an array of emotions.  Happiness, sadness, grief, depression, anxiety..  This time, I feel like I'm leaving home for good.  Only to return for emergencies or celebrations.  It hurts because I have worked hard to rebuild my relationships with my family. My blood.


Tomorrow we leave for Los Angeles.  Then the new week will bring my small family an entire new experience.  Our children were still babies when we drove across the states to come to Hawaii.  Now, we shall go back that same way.  We will be seeing our friends and family.  Spending time with everyone we've missed.

But in the back of my mind, I'm always thinking about my family here in Hawaii.  How I've grown attached to them more.  Showing me that my duty to my family is more important than meager things in life.  I'm twenty-six right now.  Still young. Still learning about life.

My sense of independence is still here. Still burning like a slow flame.  I yearn for the adventure and the unknown.  Yet, as I get older, I want everything to be stable. I want to be able to not worry about him leaving. If he will return. Things like that.

I'm focused on my family. On me. On my career. Making everything work.  Trying to do what's best for everyone. Including myself.  I've been selfish over the years. Not wanting to share my time with anyone else.  The one person who has been there for me, my love, my heart. I try to prepare myself for the turmoil I may feel once again. Twice perhaps.


Being the wife of a soldier is extremely hard.  Raising children is hard on your own.  There are questions that will be asked, but you wish you didn't have to answer.  As I saw myself on the television last night, I replayed the emotions I felt that day in my mind constantly.  This doesn't help with my anxiety but I know it will all work out.

I'm happy that my family and I were given the chance to come back to Hawaii, enjoy the beauty of the islands, the food, and my extended family.  My heart will hurt when we are away once again but I hope that everyone continues to care for each other after we go.  My writing may be all over the place right now, but that's how I feel.

Emotionally mixed up deep inside.  This has always been home for me. No matter how much I've tried.  I hope New York will be nice and not too frigid as others say.  I'm ready, I'm leaving. We shall all meet again, see you all another day.