We have been together for ten years and married for nine this June. This man has been with me through thick and then, what seemed like hell and back, and happy and sad times.
No matter what, we have always stuck by each other.
The first deployment I was very pregnant and cried every night. I was in Lawton all by myself in a house. At that time, it would've been nice to have a dog to keep me company and protect me.. But I had the best neighbors to keep me company and at times call the police on gangster wannabes acting like fools I. Back of the property.
I had our firstborn, our precious Adam, without Daddy. He missed his born day by two weeks. In retrospect, it was harder to let him go back after he came home to visit.. From that day forward, I could have never imagined the road we took afterwards.
I was still very young in the mind and did act a bit more like a teenager at times. But I had to grow up quickly because I had my son relying on me. With God guiding me, I made it through that deployment.
Now with this last deployment, it just hurts. Like a old wound being ripped open. It's just something I can't really describe to others unless they themselves have experienced it as well. I cry when no one is looking or around to hear me sobbing. It may seem silly but I just can't help it.
I cry fearing the unknown. I cry because of the distance. I cry because my other half is not beside me. I can only try to keep a smile on my face. Most of the time, I try to keep my poker face on while I'm out in public.
Life must always go on. I've been trying to stay busy. And he has always supported everything I have done I regards to my career, my businesses, education, and more. It's so hard to let someone you love go to someplace where you just don't know the outcome. I try to keep my head up and stay positive but it's that stupid voice in the back of my head.. That whispers the fears I have.
So when that happens I continue to push forward and ignore the pain. Working constantly helps. I have two home businesses in which I am a distributor for an awesome brand. It has been an amazing experience and I hope to make it my full-time job.. But I do have many other aspirations in my life.
I am finally finishing my HIT degree. I also started working as a hospitality aide at the local skilled nursing facility. It is a great job but I know I need to move forward and utilize my degree and past working experience to move forward to where I would like to be. All this is in preparation for when we finally leave NY for our favorite state, Texas.
I can imagine all the family time and fun things we will do together next year. I fill my head with thoughts and make plans for the future. I know we can make it through anything and I am already house hunting. That's how I deal with deployment.
My kids on the other hand are a different story. They have both been a bit down because of all that has happened. But I try to spend as much time with them since its back to Mommy-In-One time. My son has been so stressed out, he's been having a stress rash. He is the exact replica of my husband. Just a lighter version. The kids are keeping me company in my bed so I wake up to their sweet sleeping faces every morning.
Next week, we will be celebrating our son's birthday. It will be the second birthday my husband won't be home for. It just plain sucks but there is nothing I can do about it. What I can do is celebrate an amazing day with my little family. Well, I need to get myself out of bed and cook something. I just don't know yet..
Till next time.. Happy readings!
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