I Can't Help But Wait...

Waiting is such a tiring task.  Being an impatient person myself, it seems like a never-ending game I have been playing for the last ten years.  I know, I know.  This is the life I chose and have continued to work with.  But, even the strongest person weakens over time.  I have to wear a smile on my face everyday.  I have to hold back my tears when I see my babies crying because they miss their daddy.

My heart breaks every day that I hear my baby ask me when her daddy will be home again.  Even I don't know that answer.  All I can do is hug my children and try my best as a parent on double duty to provide them the best care possible.

I go into my bedroom and close the door so that I can sob away from my kids.  I don't cry every night like when he first left, but there are times when I'm around groups of soldiers and feel my heart break even more.

Just laying in bed with my babies by my side, my heart feels hollow.  Like I've lost my other half.  The days and nights that I don't hear from him, I feel that deeply buried fear and anxiety trying to bubble back up.  It's been seven years since the last trip and although I've been dealing with this one better, it's when I'm alone or trying to focus on my work I just simply can't.

I've found that the physical pains I experience, migraines and back pain, have become almost a constant now.  Either I wake up with one or the other.  Trying to focus on the future beyond school is my motivation while my children continue to be my strength and inspiration.

We continue to count down the days till he returns.. But, it's tough.  Even the food I cook and bake just doesn't taste the same anymore.  The love I pour into each dish I make is barely there now.  All I can do is wait and pray.  Sleep evades this mommy no matter how tired I feel.  No matter how awful I feel physically and or mentally, it simply won't leave.  My mind won't rest. All I can do is try to not worry and give it to God.

I pray for all that are away from their families.  I pray for their safety.  I pray for their well-being.  I pray for their families that have been left behind.  Most of all, I pray for my love to come back home safely and soon.