Is it Christmas Yet?

As a military spouse, mommy, consultant, and worker bee, my priorities shift to accommodate the needs of my family.  My children are always my main focus because they are my source of inspiration and motivation.  There have been days I wish I could sleep in and not have to worry about going to work the next day.  But that is not our reality.  Reality is that the months will feel longer, the days seems it never ends, but life continues to go on.

This month alone I have taken on multiple projects at both jobs.  Everyone who knows me and my situation believes I am crazy while I simply acknowledge the insanity and make it work for us.  I live in two different time zones.  Wishing I could calm my mind and just fall asleep at night but it simply does not help.  I silently endure the pain and ache that I feel not having my love safely next to me.

Some people may not understand the way of life we currently live.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have to explain my actions to others.  It just simply annoys me that instead of people worrying about themselves and the work they should be doing, they want to worry about what I'm wearing or doing. Sometimes, I have Drake's "No New Friends" song blasting in my mind because the ignorance of others makes things difficult.

At a young age, I knew that there will be people in the world who are seasonal friends and those who will be lifelong companions who will always be there to support you and your family.  In this dog eat dog world that we live in, it just shows that you really don't need new people that pretend to want to be in your life because if they don't see your struggles, they don't need to be in your life.

With all that said, all we can look forward to is having my love safely back home with us for good.  It will be awhile but at least I know that this is our life. It is real. No one can take that away from us.

I Can't Help But Wait...

Waiting is such a tiring task.  Being an impatient person myself, it seems like a never-ending game I have been playing for the last ten years.  I know, I know.  This is the life I chose and have continued to work with.  But, even the strongest person weakens over time.  I have to wear a smile on my face everyday.  I have to hold back my tears when I see my babies crying because they miss their daddy.

My heart breaks every day that I hear my baby ask me when her daddy will be home again.  Even I don't know that answer.  All I can do is hug my children and try my best as a parent on double duty to provide them the best care possible.

I go into my bedroom and close the door so that I can sob away from my kids.  I don't cry every night like when he first left, but there are times when I'm around groups of soldiers and feel my heart break even more.

Just laying in bed with my babies by my side, my heart feels hollow.  Like I've lost my other half.  The days and nights that I don't hear from him, I feel that deeply buried fear and anxiety trying to bubble back up.  It's been seven years since the last trip and although I've been dealing with this one better, it's when I'm alone or trying to focus on my work I just simply can't.

I've found that the physical pains I experience, migraines and back pain, have become almost a constant now.  Either I wake up with one or the other.  Trying to focus on the future beyond school is my motivation while my children continue to be my strength and inspiration.

We continue to count down the days till he returns.. But, it's tough.  Even the food I cook and bake just doesn't taste the same anymore.  The love I pour into each dish I make is barely there now.  All I can do is wait and pray.  Sleep evades this mommy no matter how tired I feel.  No matter how awful I feel physically and or mentally, it simply won't leave.  My mind won't rest. All I can do is try to not worry and give it to God.

I pray for all that are away from their families.  I pray for their safety.  I pray for their well-being.  I pray for their families that have been left behind.  Most of all, I pray for my love to come back home safely and soon.

Back to Cooking & More

Store bought Kim Chee, homemade Jasmine Rice and broiled beef short ribs 

              Homemade Pork Hash 

One of my great joys in life is cooking. Although I don't cook as much as before,

I still love it. My son loves BBQ and I've been really homesick lately so this is what I picked out of my cookbooks. 

I bought the kimchee and marinade for the short ribs at the commissary. Visit your local Asian market to grab the ingredients. I also purchased the short ribs and ingredients for the pork hash at the commissary as well. 

Initially I've been craving dim sum (Chinese dumplings) and decided to go the lazy route and settled on doing the less time consuming pork hash instead. Of course, when I envision pork hash I remember the ones we would get at our favorite dim sum restaurant or even at 7-11. That was one of the best things living back in Hawaii and even in Japan as well.

Anyways, I took the short ribs and placed it in a ziplock freezer bag and poured the Korean BBQ marinade over it. I tried to push out as much air from the bag, sealed it, and let it sit in the fridge for about 2-3 hours. 

My kids and I met up with friends and spent our day at the splash park and we were excited to think about the ribs marinating at home. Once we got home, I took the ribs out and on a foil lined cookie sheet (I call it a flat pan, lol) I placed the ribs on it and set the oven to broil on the low setting. 

While the ribs were in the oven, I grabbed my ingredients for the pork hash out of my fridge which I shall post for you here: 

I have a Hawaii cookbook that has local recipes that I purchased in a local Walmart there. 

Anyways, I followed the recipe until right before it says flatten. I didn't flatten the mix. Instead I took wonton wrappers, made a circle with one hand so that I can drape the wrapper in that hand and mini scooped the mix onto the wrapper. Then I pinched the ends together to hold the mix in place. I also had a pot of boiling water and a steaming basket lined with wax paper (ran out of parchment paper and definitely did not want to use any cloth because the smell of your fabric softener will definitely ruin the food).

After placing and spacing out the pork hash, I steamed it for 45 minutes. Needless to say it was yummy. I only made a handful because I was tired from the earlier fun. I took the ribs out (I like mine slightly charred) and let it cool down on the pan. Served it as seen above.

When I have down days where I'm able to do more in my house, cooking is one of the only ways I can get whatever is on my mind out of my head. I'm also thinking of getting a punching bag to help destress as well.. But life always continues no matter the difficulties we each face. It's simply up to us in how we work with it. 

Just the Way You Are

I know I know. I love to choose song titles or famous blurbs as my blog titles but I can't help it. 

It is seriously dangerous for me to stop and think. Trying to cope with not only my feelings but watching my kids and mother-in-law deal with this is just crazy. 

Okay, enough self-tormenting. Last night we went to my son's spring concert. The winter concert seemed a whole lot better but this was really short. They did great and the sun was still out when we got back home :)

Trying to get out of my comfy bed with little feet all over the place shouldn't be too hard right? Lol.. I work again tonight.. Uggghh... 

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all mommies around the world! 

Today, The Lord blessed me with another day to enjoy this day with my children.  Although they drive me bananas all the time, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

They are absolutely amazing just like their  Daddy. It also reminds me of the only other Mother's Day I've spent without my husband. He was deployed then as well. It's our year of firsts. Our first year in NY. Our first deployment as a family. Our first year that Daddy will miss all of our birthdays. 

But, we continue to keep our faith in The Lord and pray for his safe return.

Feeling the Burn and More

So I have started to work out again. In early March, I restarted doing Insanity until I hurt my back. So I had to take a break and let my body heal itself. The combination of exercising and stress at that time for me was not good. 

Now that I know my back is okay and it does feel a lot better than before,

I have been going to the gym in my community to get my sexy back. 

I'm what my friends call skinny curvy. But I miss being toned and working out. When I was in the Army, I had to go into pt remedial because I couldn't finish the pt test due to illness. So those stupid two months, I busted my butt to get out of it and to gain my afternoons back.

My brothers in crime, would push me beyond my limits and made sure that I continued to work out. When I was pregnant with my son, all that stopped since I wasn't sure if I should continue pushing myself really hard exercising. I know now that I should've exercised that way I wouldn't have had such a rough pregnancy in regards to feeling morning sickness and so forth.

Anyways, I've been going to the gym to relieve stress. Right now, I'm a mommy on her own. I want to be able to chase my kids and show them that exercise is great for the mind and body. Today is the dreaded ab workout. It's the one area I used to be so proud of. Now it's the area that's a little squishy and comfy to my kiddos. Lol.. 

I had to change my workout schedules because I tend to workout right before I head to work or school. So I would be out of energy during my shifts. Now, I'm just going to workout at night that way I will be able to sleep throughout the night.

Only 200 Something More Days to Go....

I thought I had prepared myself for this. But as the days continue to feel longer, the stress of it all has begun to wear on me. Migraine after migraine it feels like when we were living apart before. Only that time I had our little boy with me.

I wish you were here to hold us and make us feel better. It just isn't the same without you. Seeing your handsome smiling face is what makes my day. I cry when no one is watching. I cry when I'm in the car alone. I cry in the darkness of the night. I hope and pray that you return home soon.

Another day..

On my day off, I'm still running around getting errands done. My daughter isn't feeling well today either. Thank God for my MIL. If she wasn't here to help me, I would have done a Britney Spears and shaved my hair off. It's been a stressful week but it is slowly getting better.

We will be celebrating my son's birthday on Sunday. It's the second birthday we will be celebrating without my husband. It's a reminder of what my family endures to support our troops.

I am grateful to simply be alive and able to watch my children grow each and every day. I know there are others out there that may be going thru the same thing or has lost someone. I can't imagine the pain for those who endure losing their loved one. I know for myself, I not only live thru the anxiety and pain of being away from my love but watching my kids endure this too has been so difficult. I just want to cry with them when they call out for their Daddy. I just want to stay home and squeeze them to make them feel better.

But this is our reality and it isn't a pleasant one. One day soon, we hope to never have to endure another deployment. But please pray for the safety of our troops and their return to their families as well.

The Life of an Army Wife

We have been together for ten years and married for nine this June. This man has been with me through thick and then, what seemed like hell and back, and happy and sad times.

No matter what, we have always stuck by each other.

The first deployment I was very pregnant and cried every night. I was in Lawton all by myself in a house. At that time, it would've been nice to have a dog to keep me company and protect me.. But I had the best neighbors to keep me company and at times call the police on gangster wannabes acting like fools I. Back of the property.

I had our firstborn, our precious Adam, without Daddy. He missed his born day by two weeks. In retrospect, it was harder to let him go back after he came home to visit.. From that day forward, I could have never imagined the road we took afterwards.

I was still very young in the mind and did act a bit more like a teenager at times. But I had to grow up quickly because I had my son relying on me. With God guiding me, I made it through that deployment.

Now with this last deployment, it just hurts. Like a old wound being ripped open. It's just something I can't really describe to others unless they themselves have experienced it as well. I cry when no one is looking or around to hear me sobbing. It may seem silly but I just can't help it.

I cry fearing the unknown. I cry because of the distance. I cry because my other half is not beside me. I can only try to keep a smile on my face. Most of the time, I try to keep my poker face on while I'm out in public.

Life must always go on. I've been trying to stay busy. And he has always supported everything I have done I regards to my career, my businesses, education, and more. It's so hard to let someone you love go to someplace where you just don't know the outcome. I try to keep my head up and stay positive but it's that stupid voice in the back of my head.. That whispers the fears I have.

So when that happens I continue to push forward and ignore the pain. Working constantly helps. I have two home businesses in which I am a distributor for an awesome brand. It has been an amazing experience and I hope to make it my full-time job.. But I do have many other aspirations in my life.

I am finally finishing my HIT degree. I also started working as a hospitality aide at the local skilled nursing facility. It is a great job but I know I need to move forward and utilize my degree and past working experience to move forward to where I would like to be. All this is in preparation for when we finally leave NY for our favorite state, Texas.

I can imagine all the family time and fun things we will do together next year. I fill my head with thoughts and make plans for the future. I know we can make it through anything and I am already house hunting. That's how I deal with deployment.

My kids on the other hand are a different story. They have both been a bit down because of all that has happened. But I try to spend as much time with them since its back to Mommy-In-One time. My son has been so stressed out, he's been having a stress rash. He is the exact replica of my husband. Just a lighter version. The kids are keeping me company in my bed so I wake up to their sweet sleeping faces every morning.

Next week, we will be celebrating our son's birthday. It will be the second birthday my husband won't be home for. It just plain sucks but there is nothing I can do about it. What I can do is celebrate an amazing day with my little family. Well, I need to get myself out of bed and cook something. I just don't know yet..

Till next time.. Happy readings!

Strength. Love. Army Life

It had been a little over a year since we left Hawaii for frosty northern NY. We have seen so much and are still adjusting to our surroundings. It finally stopped snowing and hoping it will warm up soon.

I've been holding it in for the last few months to not cry and to be strong. To be the mommy and daddy. I just want to be weak and cry like a little baby and scream for my love not to leave. But this is the path we chose as a family.

I feel my Bella side coming back out. My Edward is leaving not because he wants to but because he has to. Sometimes life sucks and takes our favorite stories a bit literal.

But I and so many others will pray and keep our troops in mind as they continue their support and efforts to protect our country. This never gets easier only harder each time.